Fat

I am the kind of fat feminist that fat activists like to ignore exist. I don't run three miles a day. I can't even run a mile. I can walk a mile and be just fine, perfectly comfortable in fact. I can meander two miles. Maybe even wander three. But I don't spend hours at the gym and fight with my weight.

I've never dieted. I discussed it with my step-mother and she may have been fucked up about my weight, fucked up about the way she handled it, but she never forced me onto a diet and she reminded me that a lot of the crash diets are shit for your health.

I don't work out anymore. I used to work out twice a week and I lost some weight, felt a little bit better. I eat not unhealthily but I never carve things out of my list (except cow milk. Btw, soy milk is delicious). I'm not always ashamed of my weight. I can look at myself naked and not be disgusted by what I see.

That doesn't protect me in public, though.

Women are public property in our society. Skinny girls get harrassed for being "pretty" and if they dress one way, they deserve it and if they dress the other, they have low self esteem and doncha know that cat-calling will make her feel pretty? Go ahead, feel her up, tell her how pretty you think she is.

Fat girls, though. It's a moral judgment. We're too lazy. We're too stupid because God why don't you know that being fat is bad for your health? Hey, I think you've got a pretty face so why can't I fuck you? Come on, sweetheart, nobody else will want you.

There's something called "fat girl syndrome". I don't know if it's what other people call it but it's when your self esteem is so down, so low, that yeah, someone says "You've got pretty eyes" and and they keep telling you that you are so desperate for affection, for someone to find you attractive that you begin to believe it and now you aren't even sure if you like him but goddamn it, he thinks I'm pretty.

I almost said "yes" to date with a guy who I thought was crazy, not all that bright, and his kinks freaked me right out (yiffing type of furry) but he thought I was worth asking out! Cooler minds prevailed or something stupid may have happened because he wanted me.

I listened to my mom talk about herself, about her weight, about how fat she feels when she's my ultimate target weight. She is the weight that I would kill several times to be.

And odds are? It was so she wouldn't alienate me by telling me that I ought to lose weight.

As if I don't know.