Race

I am going to say something

and your first instinct may be to tell me how I'm wrong but please listen.

We should not see race.

We should see the complex individuals that are impacted by different factors, up to and including culture and race.

However, we see race. We see it in beauty standards. Or we don't and that causes Black women to torture their hair because it's ugly to have natural hair. Relaxers? Suck. When my sister and I thought it might be a great idea to perm my hair using her relaxers? My parents told me my hair would fall out if I tried. Black hair is not magically immune to the destructive power of relaxers.

We see race on TV. We see it when we watch crime shows- look at that Mexican man. He's not like the others that we put him against. He's not like those... those illegals that we're going to show on TV next to him, just to show how different he is. Our imaginary Mexican man doesn't think that closing the borders between the US and Mexico is racist!

But we're racially sensitive. That's why he's there, you see.

We see race when white women are walking down the street after dark. We imagine it in the shadows. We see it when we hear racist jokes. We see it when we want to touch the natural hair, when we want to touch the weave, when we see Mammy and saucy Latina women and submissive Asian woman and dangerous Black men. They're going to robmerapemeserveme.

We see race. Don't ignore it.

Fat

I am the kind of fat feminist that fat activists like to ignore exist. I don't run three miles a day. I can't even run a mile. I can walk a mile and be just fine, perfectly comfortable in fact. I can meander two miles. Maybe even wander three. But I don't spend hours at the gym and fight with my weight.

I've never dieted. I discussed it with my step-mother and she may have been fucked up about my weight, fucked up about the way she handled it, but she never forced me onto a diet and she reminded me that a lot of the crash diets are shit for your health.

I don't work out anymore. I used to work out twice a week and I lost some weight, felt a little bit better. I eat not unhealthily but I never carve things out of my list (except cow milk. Btw, soy milk is delicious). I'm not always ashamed of my weight. I can look at myself naked and not be disgusted by what I see.

That doesn't protect me in public, though.

Women are public property in our society. Skinny girls get harrassed for being "pretty" and if they dress one way, they deserve it and if they dress the other, they have low self esteem and doncha know that cat-calling will make her feel pretty? Go ahead, feel her up, tell her how pretty you think she is.

Fat girls, though. It's a moral judgment. We're too lazy. We're too stupid because God why don't you know that being fat is bad for your health? Hey, I think you've got a pretty face so why can't I fuck you? Come on, sweetheart, nobody else will want you.

There's something called "fat girl syndrome". I don't know if it's what other people call it but it's when your self esteem is so down, so low, that yeah, someone says "You've got pretty eyes" and and they keep telling you that you are so desperate for affection, for someone to find you attractive that you begin to believe it and now you aren't even sure if you like him but goddamn it, he thinks I'm pretty.

I almost said "yes" to date with a guy who I thought was crazy, not all that bright, and his kinks freaked me right out (yiffing type of furry) but he thought I was worth asking out! Cooler minds prevailed or something stupid may have happened because he wanted me.

I listened to my mom talk about herself, about her weight, about how fat she feels when she's my ultimate target weight. She is the weight that I would kill several times to be.

And odds are? It was so she wouldn't alienate me by telling me that I ought to lose weight.

As if I don't know.

"But"

I'm not a feminist but.

I am a feminist but.

I'm pro-choice but.

But is my least favorite word in the English language. It is often unnecessary. "I'm not a feminist but... I believe in the main tenets of feminism." It dirties the idea of feminism. It makes being a feminist something to be ashamed of. Feminist is one of those words that people shy away from. It's not a title they're... comfortable with. After all! they shave their legs and put on make up and teehee I love men!

On the other hand, there is "I am a feminist but..." I am a feminist but I shave my legs and I love men teehee. I am a feminist and I don't know why those bitches keep over-reacting. teehee. I am a feminist, but I'm not one of those feminists! Being a feminist is apparently a very unpopular choice. I would hate to be one of those.

I am a feminist. No ifs, or "buts" about it. I support a woman's right to abort whenever the Hell she feels like it. Do I feel uncomfortable when I think about elective third trimester abortions? I do. Do I feel uncomfortable listening to the strawman arguments about "Well, I knew a woman who..." Sometimes. A woman's right always exceeds that of a fetus. The living, breathing woman in front of you inherently has more rights than a fetus.

I support equal rights. I support anti-domestic violence, anti-rape movements, both legal and social. I support fully comprehensive sexual education. Including the "how". I'm sex positive, anti-mainstream porn (and yes, SuicideGirls? Counts as mainstream). I am against shame as an method of control- whether shame for "misbehaving" or not fitting their place in life, or . I am a feminist. Is this a comprehensive list of my views? No, but I'll post about all of it because it's important.

There are other "buts" you hear- if you read this, comment with your favorites. Mine is "she's fat... but she has a great personality."